The National Enquirer has reported that Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Alberta) has had several extramarital affairs. We find these stories absolutely lacking. They came from Rubio supporters and not Trump supporters.
GotNwes.com has sent people everywhere — after they donated money to us first, of course — to hunt this one down.
[OK, really it was us trawling the Internet from our home office, but it just sound so much more impressive when we say “send people,” like we have huge staff of 5,000 nerd researchers.]
Besides, we don’t think Cruz has in him. He’s too much of a nerd. We should know.
[BREAKING: The Daily Beast thinks so too! We are vindicated!]
At least one rich Cruz donor is looking into helping two of the conservative women sue the Enquirer for libel. After that terrorist organization Gawker, which said mean, nasty things about me, lost that big lawsuit, lawyers are circling the waters.
Dum dum, dum dum, dum dum.
But the Enquirer was clever, they didn’t ID two of the women and pixelated their eyes so we can’t figure out who they are.
We spoke to long time associate Katrina Pierson, who once took an awkward picture with our arm around her shoulders, and who is Trump’s campaign spokesman, and she categorically denied it.
Really, we found her denial in a tweet, which we republished.
Oh, did we forget to mention Pierson is one of the alleged mistresses? Oops!
Another alleged mistress, Amanda Carpenter, also denied it on live TV.
Clearly, nothing happened. And if they said it had happened, it didn’t, because fake rapes and all that. Either way, Cruz is innocent.
Did we mention we think Cruz is the best candidate ever? Oops!
In a way, it’s all our fault, because when we (re)published allegations that Sen. Marco Rubio (R-Absentia) had had two affairs, the Rubio camp pushed back with the Cruz rumors.
Of course, sex scandal rumors can be really great, like when we took out Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) by alleging he had had an affair with Rep. Renee Elmers (R-NC). That was totally us!
Donors in Cruz’s orbit find the rumors laughable. I talked to one or two of them in the neighborhood just today. They both said Cruz only loves his wife, and in my limited dealings with the senator, I’ve noticed when a pretty girl walks by, he doesn’t give her a second glance, or even a first one. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say he was gay like Obama, but since I worship Cruz I won’t.
As best as we can tell, he’s only had three girlfriends in his entire life! (One more than me, lucky guy.) He likes scotch and a good conversation, which may be why my dealings with him have been limited.
All this is a plot by the Establishment Republicans to take down Trump and Cruz ahead of a showdown with Hillary. We don’t know why they think this is a good idea. First, they went after Trump’s #3 wife, Melania, by circulating nude photos of her. They are nice, by the way.
Where was I? Oh, yeah.
Then they went after Heidi Cruz’s connection with Goldman Sachs, where she’s Region Head for the Southwest Region in the Investment Management Division in Houston. So, shes really just a bit player and not very influential at all.
Did we mention she graduated from the same college as we did? Oops!
Even though we say Trump didn’t start these rumors, there are some interesting connections between him and the Enquirer. So maybe they mean something. Who knows? We’re just asking questions.
If I still had access to Twitter and Facebook, I’d be able to keep a hungry public awaiting my wisdom better informed, but they are ruining the public discourse and damaging me professionally. If you want to know more, drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org, or better yet send us money. Our clickbait business model is crippled now.