BREAKING: Our spies tell us Google is rigging election; also reptilians & Soros

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We provide our spies this professional kit, only $49.99 plus S/H
We provide our spies this professional kit, only $49.99 plus S/H has spies everywhere, like in your closet or on your wifi router. We know about her. And him. And the money in the Caymans. So, don’t try to deny it, or we’ll give your names to LeechSearchr.

Google appears to be rigging the US election by providing people information about the candidates, not by actually screwing with the voting process — because that would be illegal — but we want to scare you into thinking Google is screwing with an election because we love Trump.

It seems the facts that Google provides skews voters toward Democratic candidates, like She Who Must Not Be Named.

OK, Hillary Clinton. You made us say it. Hey, remember that Secret Hillary Oppo Project fundraiser we started last year? The one with the $40,000 goal? Hahaha! Yeah. Thanks to the dozen of you who contributed $1,055 so far. Cheapskates.

Anyway, there’s long been a tendency for undecided voters to google a candidate before voting. It’s how Lincoln got elected, you know.

So, Google has figured out the best way to steer people away from Trump is to give them information about Trump. Those bastards!

Because the only news source is Google, right?
Because the only news source is Google, right?

Our friend has provided us with the bulk of this article, which we will now reprint without telling who that friend is, because we would never reveal our anonymous sources. We even went to court to defend our anonymous sources — well, actually a lawyer’s office to give a deposition, but we had to drive all the way to San Francisco so it was just as bad as going to court. And then the judge decided not to pursue the matter, so whew! That was a close one!

But if it were you, we’d go to court and not tell and go to jail. Cross our hearts and hope to die.

Our anonymous Google user
Our anonymous Google user
Here’s what our friend (photo at left) told us.

“Google has a new feature that, like, shows you the candidates’ real, actual words on the issues. So, if you type, “Donald Trump on the issues” in the search bar, you get his statements on various issues. Some thoughts about this.

1. The results are right at the top of page, above all the usual search results. The convenience of this has many implications, and I’ll leave you to figure out what they are.

2. The quotes vary from the candidates speaking for themselves to media sources quoting them, so that’s like second-hand.

3. It’s unclear how those media sources are selected. Probably all mainstream media liars selected by some arcane Google algorithm, or maybe the kids in the back room throwing 20-sided dice.

4. [Direct quote time, because we’re not making all of this up] “It is possible that Hillary and Bernie opted in and cooperated with Google, so got to write their own stuff, whereas Trump did not – so maybe it is his fault.”

5. We can tell this, because Hillary and Bernie’s quotes are longer, while Trump’s are short like his fingers. The only possible explanation is that Hillary and Bernie emailed their quotes in for Google to use, while Google had to rely on Trump’s disjointed statements at public appearances and interviews.

6. We counted the words, even. And Trump’s statements are about half as long as the other two candidates’, proving something shady is going on. The standard deviations tell us so.

7. Subject matter. [Direct quote] “Clinton and Sanders have sections on “Gay Marriage” and “Medicare and Social Security” but Trump does not.” That may be because Clinton and Sanders actually made statements about those subjects, and Trump has not, but Google could have asked him for a statement, you know? How hard is that?

[Direct quote time again, this time from Chuck C. Johnson, master spy master.]

They kicked me off Twitter, and Facebook! So I gave up Facebook ... for about three days
They kicked me off Twitter, and Facebook! So I gave up Facebook … for about three days

Back to the Spy Guy, whose Spy Hat is lined with tinfoil:

I can’t begin to suggest what a dystopian future this could mean, if search engines are allowing people to read the candidates’ actual words instead of what pundits like you say the candidates said. It could be the beginning of an informed electorate, which could be very, very dangerous. Especially for pundits, who could lose their only source of livelihood — making shit up.

If they are selecting those quotes deliberately to give the impression that Trump is dumb, well, they’re succeeding. Or he’s succeeding. Either way, it means the median voter is getting useful information. The mathematical effect could be huge!

We’ve got to get the word out, and stop this egregious meddling with the traditionally opaque electoral process. Google is making things too easy, and it will doom Trump’s campaign when the median voters discover what a ninny he is!

[Direct quote time again, from the Spy Guy]

Anyway – probably not a big deal to most people, but I view this as a massive calamity – not because of who it skews towards or against, but because tech seems to be being used to further suppress freedom and free thought rather to enhance it.

That’s right! We on the right should be allowed to freely think wrong thoughts and require others to think as we do, or our freedoms will be suppressed!

Don’t do evil, Google!

[EDITOR’S NOTE: We note for the record that Chuck C. Johnson’s supposed “spy” friend is in fact not a spy, but a rather paranoid Google user. The feature he “uncovered” is freely available to anyone who uses Google. And if you like, you can count the words, too!]

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