DUMB: Did Chuck C. Johnson fall and hit his head? #IranDeal

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[EDITOR’S NOTE: There are times when we don’t even have to parody GotNewsDotCom, and this is one of them. In his haste to prove something — anything — possibly maybe fraudulent about Obama foreign policy advisor Ben Rhodes, GNDC editor-in-thief Chuck C. Johnson tripped on his shoelaces and hit his head — hard. That’s the only explanation for the following drivel.]

It looks like GotNewsDotCom has caught Ben Rhodes and New York Times Magazine reporter David Samuels in a lie about Rhodes’s’s’s’s experiences on September 11th, 2001. It looks that way from our perspective, anyway, since we hit our head really hard just now.

Rhodes claims that he witnessed the 9-11 attacks with his own eyes. but it’s highly unlikely that he witnessed it as he has described, based on our careful misinterpretation of the facts to arrive at our preferred conclusion.

Rhodes’s history of lying wouldn’t be that big a deal, but he’s part of the Obama administration and we’re trying really hard to find a scandal in the Obama administration besides the fact that Obama is gay. Like, he joined a gay club in college, so you know, that means he’s gay. Right?

Rhodes was the subject of a New York Times Magazine profile on May 5, and some of his statements don’t add up in our head that just hit the floor really hard. Ow! I should wear a helmet, especially while drinking.


As a young writer, we never get up that early, seeing as we have no real job anyway. So, we seriously doubt Ben “Hemmmmingway” Rhodes could have dragged his hungover ass out of bed to man a polling place any better than we could. Our day starts around noon, unless Hot Asian Wife tells us to take out the garbage.


Both impacts? Really? If it were us, we would have watched the first impact, gotten bored, and gone back inside, or back to bed or something. On the other hand, he could have been one of the thousands of New Yorkers who, transfixed, watched in horror as the the first tower burned and then coincidentally saw the second plane hit tower 2. But we doubt he would have, because reasons.


Are there no schools? Are there no libraries? He had to have made that part up, because we glanced at a map of Brooklyn and saw no likely spots for a polling place near the waterfront. So, total lie. [Ignore those flags below. They mean nothing.]

Assembly district 50, Brooklyn (partial map) See those flags? PS = Public School.
Assembly district 50, Brooklyn (partial map) See those flags? PS = Public School.

[EDITOR’S NOTE: Unlike certain flame-haired Award Winning Journalists™, we did more than glance at a map. We, like, did research, the kind that Johnson says he’s so damned good at that people pay him money to do it. To be fair, we didn’t go hunting down the assembly districts for 2001, but we found the current map for AD50, which includes Williamsburg and the waterfront. And guess what we found? Schools! Can you imagine — schools in Brooklyn! Like, where people live, with their kids! Of course, we don’t know exactly where Rhodes was in 2001, but that’s not the point. The point is that Johnson is making up shit up, or he doesn’t know PS = Public School, as native New Yorkers would. Hoser.]

Let's see: 1, 2, 3, 5 ---- where's 4?
Let’s see: 1, 2, 3, 5 —- where’s 4?

So, Rhodes says there were people taking pictures of the Towers from the waterrfront. Like, with what? Everyone knows photography didn’t exist before there were cellphones. Before we had cellphones, tourists would have to draw pictures of what they saw, and there’s no way they could have drawn the planes hitting the towers so quickly. So, totally bogus, and amueter.


Yeah, the Times could have done that, and so could we, but like we said, we hit our head. Anyway, Arabs in New York? And crying? As if! Couldn’t have happened.

[EDITOR’S NOTE: Well, junior, it took us about 5 minutes to get the answer to this burning question. New York Transit shut down all subway services at 10:20 am, and resumed limited operations (except for Lower Manhattan) at 12:48 pm, and full operations (except for Lower Manhattan) around 2:30 pm. So, it is entirely possible Rhodes could have taken the subway and maybe even saw an Arab guy crying.]

Johnson gets paid for doing research? Dayum! We could be making real money just fact-checking him. Speaking of which …

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