GotNwes has been working hard to comprehend the master plan of the parodist Chuck C. Johnson, editor-in-thief of the parody site @GotNewsdotcom. After rifling through his trash, we found this document, which had been crumpled, shredded and partially burned. After a month’s work, we can reproduce it here for the betterment of humanity.
My Sure Fire Plan to Create a Media Empire and Be Just Like Andrew Breitbart, W.R. Hearst and Joseph Pulitzer (except the dead part) and Rupert Murdoch
- Register the domain name GotNews dot com, maybe using someone else’s money. GotNews sounds so cool and clever.
- Build a news site that specializes in stuff no one else will touch, like lies, smears and trivia.
- Market it as independent, fearless and stuff.
- Put ads on it.
- Build a network of basement “researchers” who I will pay for sending me news whose accuracy I never verify.
- Publish that stuff. Laugh in glee at the outrage.
- Add images I download from the Internet, putting a GotNews watermark on them even though I don’t own the images.
- Whenever possible, look into the darkest, most secret and most irrelevant parts of a person’s life, for the purpose of discrediting them, their friends, their family and their children unto the seventh generation.
- Some people will call these ad hominem attacks. Fuck ’em.
- Repeatedly ask for donations on Twitter and other social media.
- Repeatedly remind people how high my IQ is.
- Always refer to myself as an Award Winning Journalist, ’cause I am!
- Remember that all claims of rape are false.
- Remember that all claims of racism are false.
- Remember that only Ted Cruz should be president.
- Remember that all women are sluts, except hot Asian ones.
- To prove GotNews is really independent, periodically attack political allies, except Ted Cruz and Alan Dershowitz.
- Be sure to alienate as many people as possible.
- Ignore all criticism. They don’t recognize my true genius.
- Make grandiose pronouncements about stuff on Twitter.
- Make sure at least 5% of the stories GotNews runs are actually true. Less is better. Clicks!
- Leave the wrong ones up, even after they’re proved wrong by everyone else. Fuck ’em.
- Rake in the money.
- Just in case, put the domain name up for auction with a minimum bid of $250.
Because of the extreme damage to the original document, some words were extrapolated from the surrounding context, after consultation with experts in the field of megalomania, especially ones with fluffy lap cats.